Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

I wonder if Steven Speilberg wakes up every morning in a state of perpetual amazement that a movie as stupid as Raiders of the Lost Ark, released in 1981, became such a tenacious piece of cultural iconography. Yes, it has its charms. It has the splendid all-American charisma of Harrison Ford, the fedora, the bullwhip, first-rate costumes, sets, supporting cast, and a John Williams score, but holy moly this movie is stupid. Plot holes throughout, this movie was cut to the bone just to make a 110 minute run time, and these are hard cuts that call attention to themselves, as in, I was aware while rewatching it that the editor made a tough call here and a tough call there because a little more of this scene or that scene would have smoothed it out quite a lot.

Indiana Jones is one stone-cold killer. The dude is just shooting people left and right and he never has any regrets about it at all. For instance, take the famous scene where he smokes the Arab swordsman with one bullet. It is gag good for a chuckle, as in, look at this dumb sword-guy swinging around his weird sword, but you don’t bring a sword to gunfight, stupid Arab. LOL. I think maybe that guy was just showing off and he never meant any harm, or if he did, maybe Indiana ought to have waited for him to lunge just to be sure, and there’s a crowd of bystanders, but Indiana doesn’t care at all. He just smokes him dead with one shot.

Of course, he smokes a lot of Nazis in this, and that’s perfectly okay because we all know that Nazis don’t count as human, so I’m totally cool with the Nazi body-count. I actually never tire of Nazis as the universal villain in every movie ever, and I hope that never ends.

What are the rules in this world? Definitely there’s magic in it. Laserbeams shoot out of medalions. Faces melt off. Vengeful spirits fly around. More than that, murder seems to be permissible. Indiana seems to have a license to kill at least as airtight as that belonging to James Bond, but at least Bond’s makes sense because he’s a secret agent. Indiana is just a professor of archaelogy and we know that because he gives a lecture at the beginning of the film.

I just have so many questions.

Who covers his classes while he’s off adventuring? Don’t the students feel a bit cheated that some TA is filling in?

Speaking of T&A: His classroom was full of ass! One girl had stenciled “LOVE YOU” on her eye lids. Right on her eye lids!

Indiana is up to his elbows in college ass, and this is back in the 1930s when nailing your students was completely normal an no one cared, and we know that he pump and dumped (nailed and mailed?) Marion, his mentor’s daughter, so we know he likes college ass, has previously explored college ass, but he was taken aback by the girl with the eyelids?

I just have a lot of questions.

Like, in the pretty much unfindable Well of Souls, where did all those snakes come from? Who is pumping all those snakes through the holes in the wall? Nobody noticed the guy pumping all those snakes?

Then, Indiana pokes out of the chamber right next to an airfield, and no one thought, hey, let’s check in there for the ark?

What about Indiana hitching a ride on a Nazi submarine? How does that even work? I mean, I guess it never submerged?

Nevermind. Hard cut. Indy is kicking a Nazi in the balls. Cue the heroic theme music composed by John Williams. Hard cut to Indy holding a bazooka.

These Nazis sure are ultra smart and hapless simultaneously. No wonder they lost.

Then of course the crazy climax in which God gets really pissed off if you’re looking at the ghosts swirling around the ark. “Close your eyes, Marion, if you close your eyes, these demons won’t melt you.” How did Indy know this? Lucky guess? He’d read it somewhere in grad school? No explanation is given that I could detect.

Then, when Indy procures the ark for Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam just shelves it in a warehouse? How does that make any sense to anybody? Wouldn’t they, at the very least, do some weird experiments on it in Area 59 or something. Something?

You’re probably saying to yourself, it’s just a dumb fun movie. Don’t overthink it. I have to say, you’re 100% right. I don’t think anyone ought to actually think much about this movie, about its plot, its editing, and that’s fine. It is completely fine that movies like Raiders exist, but all I am saying is that this movie is widely praised as one of the best ever made; but aside from Ford’s fedora I can’t for the life of me understand why. It is listed on the AFI Best Films list, and I really don’t understand that. Basically, Harrison Ford’s fedora is on the list, and I guess that is fine, too. I’m trying not to overthink it.