Ole Miss Football Preview and Predictions

Go Rebels!

I sure am geared up for another season of the most retarded game ever dreamed up by humanity, which is football. It is the only sport of which I am aware in which to enjoy it one must not think about it at all. If one thinks about it, at all, the glaring contradictions and hypocrisies become too much to bear. Nevermind that these players are primadonnas and loads of them are just flat-out rapists, and if you don’t believe me or think that is hyperbole, google it. You will find it shocking. Yet, we call them “student-athletes” and we never discuss the rape problem.

Nevermind that these “student-athletes” have personal tutors that do everything for them but physically attend the classes. If you teach these scholars, you know that the term paper they turned in was written by a tutor, but who fucking cares? This is America, and we sure as fuck don’t care about academics. We care about football!

Go Rebels!

Every single time one watches a football game by the vaulted academic institution of, say, Duke University, one knows that these players could never actually be accepted into Duke University if they didn’t have some skill at fucking around with an oblong ball. These are televised mockeries, but who cares? LOL.

Go Blue Devils!

All of that is the cultural aspect of it, and that is saying nothing about how fucking dumb the sport is itself. It’s a sport in which they are now wrapping the helmets in bubble wrap to prevent concussions, but only in practice, because the bubble wrap looks too dumb on TV. These are the so-called “Guardian helmets” pictured above. LOL.

Not to mention to stupid rules themselves. “Holding” could be called on every single play. That’s not exaggerating. That’s literally the truth. So, when refs call it, it is always a bullshit call. Either call it on every play and stop it, or stop calling it and just let the primadonnas hold. Who cares, anyway?

You could totally stop 99% of holding if you made the linemen wear mittens and made it physically impossible to hold. No one has ever had that idea before? Fuck me.

Yeah, Ole Miss, though. On paper, this looks like the best team they’ve fielded in years. Based on the roster, I’d expect them to get ten wins. Experience at quarterback. First-class running back. Solid offensive line. Improved defense due to transfer portal, which makes it completely clear that this is a minor league for the NFL. It’s all there this season for the Rebels.

They play Tulane this Saturday, and they ought to beat them, handily, if they are worth a shit.

You better believe I’ll be watching, too. College football gets me in touch with my inner retard, sort of bonds me with my fellow Americans.

Go Rebels!